COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
1 TITLE: There are an estimated 3.5 million homeless people in
the United States.
Most of them are helpless victims, but some of them...
TITLE: ...well, some of them deserve it.
FADE IN:
2 EXT - STREET - DAY
Open on Paul Bradford, a homeless man. Music plays to a
montage of his homeless antics.
Paul is asleep, covered in newspapers on a bus stop bench. An
elderly woman stands nearby. Paul awakens, tugs on the
elderly woman's sleeve and holds out his hand. She smiles and
gives him some change. He stands up and kisses her on the
cheek. She gives an awkward smile, clearly grossed out.
Encouraged, he moves in for a kiss on the lips. She freaks
out and repeatedly hits him over the head with her purse.
CUT TO:
3 EXT. PARK - DAY
A little girl sits on a park bench with an ice cream cone.
Paul sits next to her, steals her ice cream, and eats it in
front of her as she cries.
CUT TO:
4 EXT. PARK - DAY
Paul stands in a public fountain, shampooing his hair.
CUT TO:
5 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul tips over a large cardboard box, dumping out another
homeless man who was sleeping inside it. Paul runs away with
the box.
CUT TO:
6 EXT. PARK - DAY
Paul slides down a grassy hill in the cardboard box, with a
big smile on his face.
CUT TO:
7 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul digs deep in a garbage can and drags out a foot-long
sub. He looks around suspiciously and then starts eating it.
CUT TO:
8 TITLE CARD FOR SHOW
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
9 EXT. OUTDOOR RESTAURANT - MORNING
A little girl sits in a stroller with a small bag of french
fries. Paul, a dirty mess of a homeless man, sane but
spiritually defeated in life, lies on the ground 10 feet
away. He is using newspapers as a blanket. He stares at the
fries like an adorable puppy waiting for a treat.
The girl notices him and throws one of her french fries on
the ground. Paul perks up and eyes the french fry
suspiciously, as if it's a trap. The girl giggles.
PAUL
(mouths the words)
For me?
The girl nods and smiles.
PAUL (CONT'D)
(mouths the words)
You messin' with me?
The girl smiles. Paul slowly moves toward the french fry,
careful not to alert the girl's parents, who are busy talking
and eating. He picks up the french fry and eats it. The
little girl giggles.
Paul returns to his spot and stares longingly at the
remaining fries. The girl takes another fry, this time
tossing it in a puddle of dirty water. Paul frowns, a bit
pissed that this little kid is screwing with him. He scoots
over and picks the fry out of the puddle regardless and eats
it, not even bothering to wipe it off first. The girl giggles
again, loving the entertainment.
PAUL (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Stop being a jerk!
The girl holds the bag of fries outward, inviting Paul to
come take some. He looks nervously at her parents, then
cautiously crawls over to her and begins stuffing the fries
into his mouth as fast as he can. The girl squeals and claps,
drawing the attention of her parents, who now see this
homeless man stealing their daughter's fries.
FATHER
Hey!
The father grabs Paul and tackles him. Paul tries desperately
to hang onto the bag of french fries, holding them as far
away as his arms will allow, just out of reach of the father.
The little girl is loving every minute of it, squealing and
clapping.
PAUL
She gave them to me! No Indian
giving! I earned them!
A car pulls up, and a man steps out and walks over.
WILSON
What's going on here? Leave that
man alone!
The father snatches the french fries from Paul and walks
away, pushing the little girl and her stroller with him. Paul
sits up and nurses his wounds.
WILSON (CONT'D)
Are you all right?
PAUL
Yeah, thanks.
WILSON
Maybe you can help me out, too.
This is going to sound odd, but do
you know any gay hobos?
Paul stares at him quizzically.
WILSON (CONT'D)
It's not for me. Well it is, but
not the gay part. I'm just looking
for a certain homeless person who
happens to be gay. His name is Paul
Bradford. He supposedly caters to
the needs of this park.
Paul looks shocked.
PAUL
I'm Paul Bradford, but I'm not gay.
Not, like, every day gay.
WILSON
Oh. Sorry. A hobo down on Fourth
Street said he knew you, and that
you were gay.
PAUL
Oh. Yeah, that's Steve. Steve's not
very nice to people.
Wilson begins to speak, but is cut off.
PAUL (CONT'D)
He's funny, though. Sometimes he's
funny.
WILSON
Right. Well my name is Wilson
Burdorff. I've been searching for
you for quite a while. I'm a lawyer
for the firm Goldman, Levy, and
Kaiser.
PAUL
Burdorff...is that name Jewish?
WILSON
(ignoring his question)
There's some urgent business
involving your grandmother. I'd
like you to come to my office so we
can sort things out.
PAUL
That is the worst rape bait I've
ever heard. I may be homeless, but
I'm not methhead homeless.
WILSON
It's not a trick. I'm serious.
PAUL
Sorry, man. I mean, I'm hungry, but
I'm not that hungry. That's weird.
That's Steve weird.
WILSON
Your grandmother was Gladys
Bradford, right? She lived at 1025
N 12th Avenue in Medford,
Massachusetts. She had a dog named
Puddles.
PAUL
Yeah. That's her. Is she all right?
WILSON
Unfortunately, no. She passed away
last month. I'm sorr-
PAUL
Sweeeeet! Oh man, that's great!
I've been waiting for years for
that old bag to wheeze off! What do
I get?
WILSON
Let's just head back to my office
so we can sort things out.
Paul gets up and walks with Wilson to the car.
PAUL
Do I get Puddles, too?
WILSON
No, your stepmother gets ownership
of the dog.
PAUL
I hate that witch! I want Puddles.
WILSON
Is there anyone in your family you
actually like?
PAUL
Yes. I like Puddles.
WILSON
You're a weird guy.
PAUL
I'm not Steve weird, am I?
WILSON
No, but weird enough.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
10 INT. WILSON'S OFFICE - LATER
Wilson sits at his desk, with Paul across from him. He has a
large cup of pens on his desk. Jennifer, an attractive
paralegal, enters and hands Wilson a binder before exiting.
She doesn't even look at Paul, but he obviously notices her.
WILSON
So as the executive of your
grandmother's estate, it's my duty
to inform you that you've inherited
a great sum of money.
PAUL
Really? How much is it?
WILSON
$50,000.
PAUL
What?! Was she living out of her
car?
WILSON
That's quite a bit of money,
especially considering your...
situation. Enough to get you a
place to live that doesn't have
wheels on it. It's even stipulated
that our firm aid you in, shall we
say, re-establishing yourself.
PAUL
I wipe my ass with $50,000.
WILSON
Mr. Bradford, it smells like you
don't wipe your ass at all.
PAUL
Make it $60,000.
WILSON
It's an inheritance. You can't
haggle.
PAUL
$50,000 and a half?
WILSON
A half what? It's $50,000.
PAUL
$50,300. $50,200. 50,001.
WILSON
No. It's $50,000.
PAUL
$50,000 and a hug.
Beat.
WILSON
I'll give you $50,001, just so I
don't have to touch you.
Wilson pulls a dollar from his pocket and places it on the
desk.
WILSON (CONT'D)
However, I should warn you that you
don't get all the money at once.
You'll get $10,000 per year for
five years, and your grandmother
has some very specific stipulations
that go along with this money.
PAUL
(angry)
What?
Wilson pulls out a massive binder filled with pages of rules.
WILSON
The money and rules are meant to
get you back on your feet and get
you working again. These are the
ones we've been able to compile.
Some of them are on paper, some
were written on random objects in
her home.
Wilson holds up a label from a bottle of gin with a rule
written on it.
WILSON (CONT'D)
You have to buy new clothes so you
look presentable. That's
reasonable.
PAUL
(makes a face)
Ugh.
WILSON
You have to stop living in your
car.
PAUL
Oh, come on!
WILSON
You must never wear a fleece
blanket with sleeves.
Paul looks confused. Awkward beat.
WILSON (CONT'D)
Your grandmother was a bit senile.
Some of these rules are a little
strange. (Beat) A lot of these
rules are a little strange. There's
an entire section here about bears.
PAUL
How many rules are there?
Wilson flips through the pages of the entire binder,
indicating that it's filled with thousands of rules.
PAUL (CONT'D)
Look, just between us, can we skip
the rules part? She's insane, and
right now worms are eating her
face.
WILSON
Don't think of them as rules. Think
of them as guidelines.
PAUL
I hate guidelines.
WILSON
Think of them as gentle nudgings.
PAUL
I hate gentle nudgings even worse.
WILSON
Well, if you want the money, you
have no choice.
Paul puts his head in his hands.
PAUL
And you're gonna help me?
WILSON
Yes. We can start getting you fixed
up right now.
PAUL
Wait a minute! You're going to
Brewster me! This is a total
Brewster's Millions scheme!
WILSON
I have no idea what you're-- wait,
that Richard Pryor movie from the
'80s?
PAUL
You're going to make me screw up so
you can keep the money!
WILSON
Mr. Bradford, our firm doesn't gain
from you disobeying your
grandmother's rules. If you violate
too many of them, the money is
given in a lump sum to her favorite
charity, the Juvenile Diabetes
Foundation.
PAUL
I'd rather die than let those
bastards have it!
WILSON
Well then, let's get you set up,
shall we? But before we go, may I
have the binder back?
Paul rolls his eyes and removes the binder of rules from his
pants, placing it on the desk. Awkward beat as they stare at
each other. Wilson raises his eyebrows. Paul sighs and
removes an enormous handful of pens from each pocket, 40 or
50 of them in all. He places them on the desk.
CUT TO:
11 EXT. STREET - LATER
Music plays during a montage of Paul and Wilson shopping and
cleaning him up. Shots of random stores and businesses flash
by, followed by specific shots of Paul coming out of stores:
Paul walks out of a JC Penney with a huge smile on his face
and a bag of clothing. He gives Wilson a thumbs up. Wilson
gives him a thumbs up back.
CUT TO:
12 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul walks out of Target wearing a Snuggie. Wilson freaks
out, angrily shouting and pointing at the binder of grandma's
rules.
CUT TO:
13 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul walks out of a pornography store with a huge smile on
his face and three or four enormous bags of porn. He gives
Wilson a thumbs up. Wilson shakes his head in disgust.
CUT TO:
14 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul walks out of a clothing store in a classic hobo outfit,
complete with floppy top hat. Wilson shakes his head "no" and
again points to the binder of rules.
CUT TO:
15 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul walks out of a clothing store in a nice dress shirt and
tie. Wilson applauds.
CUT TO:
16 EXT. STREET - DAY
Paul walks out of a barber shop, freshly cut and shaved. He
looks tremendously better than he did with his horrible
beard. Wilson walks up to him with a big smile on his face.
PAUL
This is really uncomfortable. Do I
have to wear it?
WILSON
You do, because per your
grandmother's rules, we burned all
your other clothing.
Paul stares at Wilson with big, sad doe eyes.
WILSON (CONT'D)
It's not working.
A tear runs down Paul's cheek.
WILSON (CONT'D)
It's not working.
Paul begins crying, sobbing loudly.
WILSON (CONT'D)
It's not working. C'mon, let's find
you an apartment.
Paul turns off the crying like he's flipping a switch.
PAUL
Okay, cool.
CUT TO:
17 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
Shot of a nice apartment building.
CUT TO:
18 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Paul and Wilson enter the building and look around.
PAUL
This is pretty nice. It reminds me
of my old place.
WILSON
Your old place was a car filled
with garbage. This is an actual
building. It's quite a bit nicer.
PAUL
It smells nice.
WILSON
(confused, checking his
shoes)
That's because someone poured
laundry detergent in the hallway.
Mike, the building manager, enters. He's friendly, and very
desperate for friendship. He stands extremely close to people
when talking to them, and prefers hugs to handshakes.
MIKE
Hey, you must be Paul and Wilson.
I'm Mike. I'm the building manager.
Thanks for coming over.
Mike hugs Paul. Paul looks mortified. Wilson takes a step
back to avoid being hugged next.
MIKE (CONT'D)
You like the building? My dad owns
it. I try to keep it nice, add my
own touch to it.
WILSON
I think somebody spilled laundry
detergent. I stepped in a big
puddle of it.
MIKE
Oh, that was me. It keeps things
smelling fresh.
PAUL
(earnestly)
That's a good idea. I don't know
why more people don't do that.
Detergent smells really nice.
Wilson looks at Paul like he's insane.
MIKE
I know! If you like the lemon ones,
just let me know. I can switch it,
since we're friends. Let's go see
the apartment.
Mike walks off-screen. Paul and Wilson look at each other.
Wilson is skeptical and Paul is excited.
CUT TO:
19 INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Mike enters the apartment, followed by Paul and Wilson. It's
furnished and looks nice.
MIKE
This is the place. I'm kicking out
the current tenant.
WILSON
Is he having problems paying the
rent?
MIKE
No. (Beat) You guys and me are
gonna be great friends! We're gonna
hang out all the time!
Wilson frowns.
PAUL
I don't know if I can afford this.
MIKE
Hey, don't worry about that. I can
give you a little discount since
we're friends. We're friends,
right?
Mike leans in really close to Paul, smiling.
PAUL
Yeah, sure.
MIKE
All right!
Mike grabs Paul, and picks him up like someone would when
horsing around with their kid brother, then puts him down on
the floor.
WILSON
Something has to be wrong with this
place.
The lawyer walks around a bit more and looks into the
kitchen.
20 ANGLE ON: KITCHEN
A large, burly biker is lying face-down on the kitchen floor,
unconscious.
WILSON
Um. Hey Mike?
Mike looks in the kitchen.
MIKE
Oh, don't worry about him! That's
Barbara. You should probably just
call him Barb. He gets a little
touchy. I'll evict him when he
wakes up.
Wilson and Paul stare blankly at Mike.
PAUL
(earnestly)
This place is so cool.
Wilson looks at Paul like he's insane.
MIKE
Since my dad owns the place, I'm
pretty lenient with move-out dates.
And rent. And stuff.
Barbara coughs.
MIKE (CONT'D)
See? He's halfway out the door
already!
Beat as Wilson stares blankly at Mike. Mike notices.
MIKE (CONT'D)
How about if I cut the rent in
half?
PAUL
You've got yourself a deal!
MIKE
Awesome! Let's seal the deal!
Mike gives a big bear hug to Wilson. Wilson grimaces.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
21 INT. WILSON'S OFFICE - LATER
Wilson hands Paul an envelope.
WILSON
Here's your first check. I'll stop
by tomorrow and we'll go over some
more rules.
PAUL
All right, thanks.
Paul exits.
22 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Paul exits the law firm, envelope in hand. He's still dressed
in his nice shirt and tie. Happy music plays (the same song
as the first two times?). He sees an ice cream shop across
the street and prances toward it happily, loving his new
life. Close-up of Paul twirling around in the street. A car
pulls out of the law firm's parking lot. We realize the car
is about to hit him. Close-up of Paul's surprised face as we
hear the car's horn and screeching tires.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
23 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Jennifer the paralegal crouches over Paul, shaking him awake.
JENNIFER
Are you all right?
PAUL
(groggy, confused)
Holy crap. Did we have sex?
JENNIFER
What?
PAUL
Nothing. What happened?
JENNIFER
You were walking in the middle of
the street and I hit you. I'm so
sorry, I didn't even see you.
PAUL
I was going to that ice cream
place. Haven't I seen you from
somewhere?
Jennifer's eyes get wide as she notices the envelope from her
law office. Paul recognizes her from the other day and
smiles.
PAUL (CONT'D)
You work at that law office!
JENNIFER
Oh God.
PAUL
(scheming)
Papa like.
JENNIFER
What?
PAUL
Nothing. My leg hurts.
JENNIFER
Here, let me help you up.
Jennifer pulls Paul so he's sitting upright. He purposely
allows himself to continue falling forward, right into her
blouse. Jennifer pushes him back out.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
(aware of his trick)
Keep it in bounds, all-star.
PAUL
What's your name?
JENNIFER
Jennifer.
PAUL
I'm Paul. What are you doing right
now?
JENNIFER
What am I doing now? I'm making
sure I didn't cripple one of my
firm's clients.
PAUL
We should go on a date.
JENNIFER
(playing this carefully)
I'm not really interested in a
date.
Paul shouts in pain.
PAUL
Oh God, my leg hurts! Oh man, that
really stings!
JENNIFER
What can I do?
PAUL
I just need something to take my
mind off it. Like a date.
JENNIFER
Wow. Really? This is your big move?
Crying and wailing in the street?
You're quite the pickup artist.
PAUL
Ohhhhh man! Do you know the number
for my lawyer? I think it hurts bad
enough to call a lawyer.
JENNIFER
Look, this isn't funny. I could get
fired for this.
PAUL
(shouting, half singing)
6-D-8-F-A-B! 6-D-8-F-A-B!
JENNIFER
Stop shouting my license plate
number!
PAUL
I'm memorizing it so I can call the
police and tell them who stole my
legs.
JENNIFER
I don't have to sit through this.
You're obviously fine.
Jennifer stands up and turns to walk away.
PAUL
Wilson! Help! Wilson!
JENNIFER
Stop it! Someone from my office
might hear you!
PAUL
Wilson, your pretty co-worker tried
to kill me with a car vehicle!
JENNIFER
Fine! Fine! You'll stop this if I
have dinner with you later?
PAUL
Maybe.
JENNIFER
One dinner, that's it. And it's not
a date. Once we're done eating,
this incident is over. Agreed?
Paul smiles, jumps up and jogs over to her.
PAUL
Oh, this is great! This is gonna be
so much fun!
JENNIFER
I feel more like throwing up than
eating.
The two of them begin walking off-screen.
PAUL
This is the best day ever.
JENNIFER
I've had better.
CUT TO:
24 INT. APARTMENT - DUSK
Paul comes out of the shower to find Mike sitting on his
couch eating chips. There is a mess of chips everywhere.
PAUL
Gah! What are you doing in my
apartment? Never mind! I have a
date!
MIKE
Really? How'd you swing that?
PAUL
A hot chick hit me with her car!
MIKE
I had never thought to try that.
PAUL
I didn't even do it on purpose. I
just got lucky! It's so great. I
mean, you could die or completely
disfigure yourself, but if you
don't, it totally works.
MIKE
How hot is she?
PAUL
Oh, she's at least a 6.
MIKE
A six? Wow. I'm like a two. I would
definitely splat my face against
the pavement for a 6. When's your
date?
PAUL
In a few hours.
MIKE
Can I come?
PAUL
No!
MIKE
Okay, but Friendster me later to
dish all the dirty deets.
PAUL
What's a Friendster?
MIKE
A place to dish deets.
CUT TO:
25 INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING
Shot of Paul and Jennifer sitting at the table, with salads
in front of them. Jennifer is wearing a very nice dress. Paul
is wearing a cheap t-shirt with Japanese writing on it.
Neither of them say anything. Paul laughs at the awkwardness.
PAUL
I never know what to say on dates.
JENNIFER
This is not a date.
PAUL
I like your dress.
JENNIFER
Thank you. I... see you're wearing
a t-shirt.
PAUL
This was an expensive shirt! It
says "ping pong" in Japanese!
JENNIFER
That's nice.
PAUL
You say "That's nice", but you
don't sound sincere.
JENNIFER
I'm not.
PAUL
Oh. I figured it was very multi
cultural. It kind of showcases me
as a man of the world, if you will.
JENNIFER
Oh, have you been to Japan?
PAUL
No. I don't like traveling.
Paul holds up his hand to signal a waiter off-screen.
PAUL (CONT'D)
Can I get another beer?
JENNIFER
You've already had four beers, and
we haven't even gotten our main
course yet.
PAUL
Is that bad?
JENNIFER
Well, it's not a bachelor party.
It's a da-
Jennifer catches herself, not wanting to admit that it's a
date.
PAUL
A date?
JENNIFER
A dinner. It's a dinner between two
frien-
Jennifer catches herself again.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
A dinner between two people, one of
whom is being blackmailed.
PAUL
I don't see why you have to be
racist.
Paul begins eating his chicken salad, choosing to use his
fingers instead of utensils.
JENNIFER
You should probably use a fork.
Paul looks slightly confused.
PAUL
This is how Kim Kardashian eats
salad on that commercial.
Jennifer pauses for a beat, at a loss for words.
JENNIFER
Sometimes commercials are different
than real life.
PAUL
I'm kind of a rebel. Kinda do my
own thing.
JENNIFER
A fork rebel. That's nice. Will you
excuse me to the ladies room for a
minute?
PAUL
Sure.
Jennifer walks away. Paul watches her disappear out of view,
then reaches across the table, grabs her plate and begins
removing the chicken from her salad with his hands. In the
process, he knocks her bread roll on the floor. He picks it
up, looks from side-to-side, dusts it off and returns it to
her plate. A few moments later, Jennifer returns.
JENNIFER
Did they give you extra chicken?
PAUL
Yeah. I asked them for it.
JENNIFER
You know, you have an entree
coming.
PAUL
Entree?
She sighs, then picks up her bread roll and butters it. As
she's about to take a bite, Paul stops her.
PAUL (CONT'D)
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Strictly hypothetical.
Would you rather eat something
that's been on the floor, or
something out of the garbage?
JENNIFER
Neither. Why?
PAUL
But which do you think is worse?
JENNIFER
Something that's been in the
garbage, I guess.
PAUL
Well, I have some good news for
you. That roll has not been in the
garbage.
Jennifer looks at Paul, confused. After a moment, her
confused look turns to disgust as she realizes that her roll
has been on the floor. Paul continues as if nothing happened.
PAUL (CONT'D)
So what do you do?
JENNIFER
I'm a paralegal.
PAUL
What's that?
Jennifer looks at Paul like he's retarded.
JENNIFER
I'm training to become a lawyer,
but I'm not one yet.
PAUL
(makes a face)
Ugh. Really?
JENNIFER
Actually, I really like it. It's
interesting work. For instance,
right now one of my firm's clients
is a homeless person.
Paul turns pale.
PAUL
Really...what's he like?
JENNIFER
I don't know. I haven't actually
met him. Everything's confidential.
So what do you do?
PAUL
I'm...freelance.
JENNIFER
Freelance what?
PAUL
Uh...I'm unemployed.
Again, Jennifer has a look of bewilderment on her face. But
she cracks a smile at the stupidity of it, only to quickly
return to her stern self.
JENNIFER
So what do you do all day?
PAUL
Well today I got hit by a car.
JENNIFER
So I heard.
PAUL
Which was a little different than
most days. But the girl in the car
was really, really pretty. And she
agreed to go on a date.
JENNIFER
And how did you get her to agree?
PAUL
To our . . . date?
JENNIFER
I'm aware that you're saying
"date". I just got tired of
correcting you. So how did you get
this pretty girl to eat food with
you platonically?
PAUL
I'm very charming.
JENNIFER
Or good at faking injuries.
PAUL
I don't know what you're talking
about.
JENNIFER
How's your leg?
PAUL
Injured slightly less.
Jennifer kicks Paul under the table, very hard.
PAUL (CONT'D)
Ow!
JENNIFER
(enjoying herself)
How's your leg?
PAUL
It hurts!
Jennifer kicks Paul under the table again.
PAUL (CONT'D)
Damn it, woman!
JENNIFER
How's your leg?
Paul pauses for a beat.
PAUL
I'm not afraid of you.
Jennifer kicks Paul under the table again.
PAUL (CONT'D)
That's really starting to hurt!
JENNIFER
(smiling)
How. Is. Your. Leg?
PAUL
Fine. It feels much better.
JENNIFER
Okay then.
Both of them eat their salads for a moment.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
Did you steal all the chicken from
my salad?
PAUL
Yup.
JENNIFER
Yeah.
Both of them eat their salads for a minute.
PAUL
Wanna see something cool?
JENNIFER
Is it inappropriate?
PAUL
No. Totally legit.
JENNIFER
All right. Go for it.
Paul picks up the plastic ketchup bottle and draws a thin
mustache made of ketchup on his face. Jennifer tries not to
smile, but does.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
Okay, if I ever hang out with you
again . . .
PAUL
Uh-huh.
JENNIFER
It will be as friends.
PAUL
Of course.
JENNIFER
I am never dating you.
PAUL
Uh-huh.
JENNIFER
We are not an item.
PAUL
Right.
JENNIFER
We will never be an item.
PAUL
I'm an item.
JENNIFER
You're something all right.
Paul looks to a waiter off-screen.
PAUL
Can I have another beer?
JENNIFER
Make that two.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
26 INT. APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Paul and Wilson sit in Paul's apartment. Mike is in the
kitchen. Everyone has different clothes on except Paul.
WILSON
Seriously? You want dating advice
from me? I was already your
accountant, chauffeur, and fashion
consultant yesterday.
PAUL
Look, she's a paralegal, you're
a... regular legal.
WILSON
Wow.
PAUL
Nice job on the fashion, by the
way. I think she really dug this
shirt.
WILSON
You chose that. I would never pay
$45 for a t-shirt just to exploit a
loophole in my grandmother's "buy
upscale clothes" rule.
PAUL
(proud)
Wearing it two days in a row is
also a loophole.
WILSON
I'm aware.
Mike enters with a glass of yellow liquid and sets it on the
table near Wilson. He sits.
WILSON (CONT'D)
Oh, thanks.
PAUL
You're paid to be here! Now earn
your keep by helping me penetrate
your co-worker!
WILSON
I'm a lawyer, not a magician.
PAUL
C'mon Wilson, help me out.
WILSON
Every second of my life is spent
helping you out. This glass of
lemonade is the only thing I've
gotten out of it.
MIKE
Is it lemonade?
Wilson looks concerned.
WILSON
Is it not lemonade?
MIKE
I don't think we have lemonade.
WILSON
What the hell is it then?
MIKE
I don't know. I found it.
PAUL
C'mon man, help me out!
WILSON
There's nothing I can help you
with!
PAUL
You're a lawyer. You know how to
talk to smart people.
Mike leans over, looks at the yellow drink, and touches
Wilson lightly on the arm.
MIKE
(softly, to Wilson)
You should drink that. See what it
is.
Wilson ignores him.
WILSON
What do you want to know?
PAUL
Just tell me how to get a paralegal
to have sex with me.
WILSON
How the hell would I know? I don't
have sex with them.
Mike again leans over and touches Wilson lightly on the arm.
MIKE
(softly, to Wilson)
It might be delicious...
WILSON
(to Mike)
What is wrong with you?
MIKE
I'm sorry, but it's driving me
crazy! I need to know if it's
gross.
WILSON
Why?
MIKE
Because if it's not gross, I want
to drink it.
PAUL
What's the point of your job?
WILSON
What's the point of . . . are you
serious?
PAUL
It's just...your job seems really
boring.
Mike picks up the glass of yellow liquid and sniffs it.
WILSON
You don't become a lawyer to get
laid. Paralegals are hired for
assistance. It's not like the
lawyers at my firm are all trying
to have sex with her.
Paul looks shocked, like he's never thought of that before.
WILSON (CONT'D)
I was being facetious. That's not
what a paralegal is for.
PAUL
I need to get over there before one
of them facetiouses all over her!
Paul runs to the door. Mikes reluctantly takes a drink of the
yellow liquid.
WILSON
Where are you going?
Paul runs out the door. Mike gags and spits the yellow liquid
back into the glass.
MIKE
That's not lemonade!
CUT TO:
27 EXT. PARKING LOT - LATER
Paul sprints up to the front door of the law firm, sees
Jennifer about to exit, and quickly sits against the wall,
pulling a "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" comic book out of his
back pocket. Jennifer exits the building and sees him.
JENNIFER
Hi...
PAUL
Hey!
Jennifer looks at Paul's shirt and frowns.
JENNIFER
Are you wearing the same shirt you
wore when we hung out yesterday?
PAUL
Maybe I bought two.
JENNIFER
Did you?
PAUL
No.
JENNIFER
What are you doing here?
PAUL
Total coincidence!
JENNIFER
So you usually hang out in this
parking lot, right next to where I
told you I work, reading . . . is
that a "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"
comic book?
PAUL
(sheepishly)
I like the talking cat. He's very
ironic.
Beat.
PAUL (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Because cats don't talk.
JENNIFER
So what was your plan exactly? That
I'd walk out and see you, your
stylish Japanese tennis shirt
rippling in the wind, your complex
mind deeply captivated by the
intellectual musings of an underage
cartoon witch, and then what, I'd
fall madly in love with you?
PAUL
I was just gonna say "hi".
JENNIFER
Most suitors would go with some
flowers, maybe a shirt I haven't
seen before. Y'know, more
traditional stuff.
PAUL
I could give you this.
Paul holds up the comic book.
JENNIFER
Oooh.
PAUL
After I'm done, of course.
JENNIFER
Of course.
PAUL
I'm only halfway done reading it,
and she's in quite the pickle.
JENNIFER
I see.
A drunk homeless man stumbles down the sidewalk. He stops and
looks at Paul.
DEREK
(drunk slurring)
Hey, Pauly! Is that you? Hey man! I
almost didn't recognize you!
Where'd you get those clothes?
Those look nice!
A look of horror comes over Paul's face. He tries to pretend
he didn't hear anything.
PAUL
So . . .
DEREK
Hey Bo, come check this out!
Pauly's all shiny now!
Bo, another drunk homeless man, joins Derek on the sidewalk
to gawk at Paul.
BO
What the hell? You win the lottery
or somethin'? You think you're
better than us?
JENNIFER
Who are those guys?
PAUL
I, um...freelance at a homeless
shelter. That's how I know them. Do
you wanna get out of here? Go
someplace else?
Derek and Bo walk over. Both are obviously drunk. Bo grabs
the bottom of Paul's shirt.
BO
What is this, Japaneezy? Is this
Japaneezy for "I'm fancy now"?
Bo touches Paul's face.
BO (CONT'D)
What's this? No beard? You think
you're high-class now? You can
afford a 35-cent razor now?
DEREK
Wellll, Mr. Norelco!
Derek notices Jennifer, and leers at her boobs.
JENNIFER
Hey guys, I'm Jennifer.
BO
I'm Bo.
DEREK
I'm Derek. Are you thirsty? I'm
thirsty all the time.
Derek pulls a bottle in a paper bag from his tattered jacket.
JENNIFER
Uh, hi. Nice to meet you. So you
know Paul from the shelter?
BO
Oh yeah, he's there every night.
JENNIFER
(to Paul)
You volunteer every night? That's
so nice!
BO
Volunteers? Hahahahaha! He doesn't
volunteer, he's-
Derek grabs Jennifer's chest. She yelps. Paul takes the
opportunity and decks Derek. Bo grabs Paul and punches him in
the stomach. Derek rushes Paul and tackles all three of them
into a pile of nearby garbage cans and debris. Jennifer
freaks out and runs off. Derek, Bo, and Paul continue
wrestling around.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
28 INT. APARTMENT - LATER
Paul is lying in his bathtub, with a steak over his eye. Mike
is hovering over him like a concerned mother.
MIKE
You want me to go beat up those
guys?
PAUL
No.
MIKE
You want me to go beat up that
chick?
PAUL
No!
MIKE
You wanna smash something in the
apartment?
PAUL
No.
MIKE
Can I smash something in the
apartment?
PAUL
No.
MIKE
You gonna eat that?
PAUL
The steak?
MIKE
Yeah.
There is a knock on the door.
MIKE (CONT'D)
That's probably Wilson.
Mike exits the room to answer the door.
MIKE (CONT'D)
(O.S.)
Oh. Hey. He's in there.
Jennifer walks into the bathroom.
JENNIFER
Hey.
PAUL
Hey.
JENNIFER
Wilson wanted me to check on you.
(Beat) Are you okay?
PAUL
I've been better.
JENNIFER
Thanks for standing up for me. That
was really sweet. I brought you
something.
Jennifer pulls a carton of ice cream out of her bag and gives
it to Paul. His face immediately perks up. He's very touched
by this gesture.
PAUL
Thanks.
JENNIFER
Let me look at that eye.
Jennifer lifts up the steak and looks.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
That's not too bad. You'll live.
PAUL
So when are we going out on our
next date?
JENNIFER
We are not dating.
PAUL
Right.
JENNIFER
Me feeling sorry for you does not
lead to dating.
PAUL
Uh-huh.
JENNIFER
Me coming to your place to make
sure you're not dead is not dating.
PAUL
Sure.
JENNIFER
We will never be a couple.
PAUL
Right.
JENNIFER
We're just friends.
PAUL
That's neat. Mike and I are going
to eat this later if you wanna hang
out.
JENNIFER
I'm gonna pass on that. But let's
hang out sometime this week.
PAUL
Okay.
Jennifer gets up to leave.
JENNIFER
Non-romantically.
PAUL
Cool.
Jennifer walks off-screen. Paul smiles at this new turn of
events. He takes the steak off his eye, opens the ice cream,
scoops out a big lump of it with his hand, and places it on
his eye.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
TAG
29 INT. APARTMENT - EVENING
Paul is in bed, trying to sleep. He's having trouble, tossing
and turning every few seconds. He finally throws his covers
off the bed and grabs a newspaper from the floor. He uses the
newspaper pages as covers, similar to the opening scene.
PAUL
That's better.
He sighs and falls asleep.
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF SHOW
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.